16 December 2012

i just want you to stay.

hello, lovely interwebbing people.

you may have heard that i have started a new blog. this is true! i am very excited about said blog. i've felt the need for some time to get my voice out into a more public sphere (simultaneously me learning to cope with my social anxiety and my fear of success, while getting feedback from people who are less intimately connected with me than those who read this blog, here). if you are interested, and have not yet seen my new place of bloggingness, check it out at mysecretcompartments.wordpress.com.

i do not plan on shutting down this blog, though. i need to speak my mind about things i do not yet feel comfortable discussing in front of the whole world. thus, this beautiful place will stay open, until further notice.

i have an abandonment complex. i feel like the people i love always leave me -- whether by choice or by forces outside their control, they leave. as such, i am always searching for people to latch on to. some semblance of stability.

i seem to have stopped trusting people i can touch. not all of them. most of them. in this beauteous age of technology and the ability to connect with people we cannot touch, i have begun to connect with writers, and their stories.

this is why i blog.

okay, it isn't the only reason i blog. but i blog because i am inspired by others who do so. who are brave and share their stories and their wit and their sarcasm and their insights. and i blog because i feel like it is cheating to read the words of others and not be willing to share my own.

that's all i really have to say, right now. but, it is officially break (yay!) between semesters...so i anticipate some interesting stories will arise over the next three weeks. i'll keep you posted?

bye for now.

07 December 2012

once upon a december.

it is december.

december is one of my favorite months. yes, i am one of those people who has favorite (october) and least-favorite (september) months. december is dear to my heart, because so much kindness was extended to my family in december, throughout many of my childhood years. i realize the last part of that sentence may not make sense. can we roll with it?

i grew up poor...ish. we weren't terribly poor. my parents owned our house. we had two cars. i had my own bedroom. we had food and clothing and such. but my dad spent almost as much of my childhood being unemployed as he did being employed. we were...blessed? to have a great support system of family and friends and neighbors and benevolent strangers who made sure that we had food and clothing, and even toys and things for my brother(s) and myself. many christmases, my dad was out of work. december is tied to my memories of the goodness bestowed on my family by others, and the gratitude we felt toward those who were willing to help us out.

i love december.

consequently, december and the christmas-y season are connected to religion. and each year, as i grow older and my spirituality moves in directions that do not line up with the trajectory of the religion in which i was raised, not even my memories of kindness from others can fill the chasm that grows in my chest where my gratitude toward a Savior of the World once was.

december makes me sad.

i realize that when i talk to people who know about my disenchanted attitude toward both the mormon faith and organized religion as a whole, it may come across that my concerns pertain toward gender equity and the lack thereof within the church. i'm not denying that gender equity is a big concern for me within any structure that i belong to. however, it is not my only concern.

if the first presidency were to come out tomorrow and say that women can hold the priesthood and be ordained to callings like being a general authority and that we should pray to a heavenly mother and that women should choose for themselves whether marriage or motherhood or both are right for them, i wouldn't be able to drop my agnosticism and run back to the church.

it isn't just a question of whether or not i can be equal to my brothers in the eyes of the church, or of god. though those are important questions.

and so, each december, i think about what i believe in. and what i believe in no longer. and what i thought i believed, but never did. and what i thought i didn't believe, but really do. and i realize that i am not one of the "believers." i do not celebrate christmas because of my belief in jesus and what his birth meant for the world. maybe it happened like that. maybe not. maybe some catholics kidnapped a pagan holiday and held it hostage until american corporations took control of the situation and convinced us that we need to buy massive amounts of shit we don't need with money we don't have. i'm more inclined to buy into the latter story than the former (jesus was born in april, right?). but, despite my apostatic cynicism, i love christmas for what it represents in my life: good people giving of themselves to people who are in need of help.

bye for now.

04 December 2012

i know blue...only blue.

i feel so lonely.

lonely and alone are different. i know i am not alone. i am surrounded by wonderful people. i live with my grandparents, who are toeing the line between being parental and being adult housemates. they are always looking out for me. my cousins/soul-sisters keep me sane. i tell them the random mundane frustrations of my life, and they stand with me in solidarity. my brothers worry about me -- and the fact that i am on their radar is enough for me. my mother is incredible. she has my back. she gives me a shoulder to cry on. she plays the strong one so i get to be scared. because sometimes i need to not have to be the strong one. sometimes i need to just be scared. my coworkers are very sweet, keeping me laughing. my dear friend ami makes sure i know how much i'm loved, which is something that i have a tendency to forget. and my beloved bestie. that man keeps me grounded. every person needs a good anchor. so. i know i am not alone.

why, then, do i feel so lonely?

i'm going to play psychiatrist and say that this is depression eating my soul. i feel like i have so much to deal with, and that i have to do it all on my own. i don't want to burden other people...especially when those people have their own burdens to carry. i feel ugly. i feel unwanted. i feel abandoned. i feel terrified.

i feel like i need to break down and do the ugly cry on my bedroom floor, but the fucking tears won't come.

i feel like i need a release. a vacation from my life. some good karma.

i feel like people are trying to give me what they think i need. and that is very sweet of them. i appreciate the sentiment. but i feel like i'm not getting what i need, and i feel like i'm too afraid to ask for it.

how do you ask your bestie for a hug when you're non-hug people? how do you ask him to hold you so you can just cry, or catch your breath?

how do you ask your family to understand that your spirituality is moving in a different direction than they want it to? how do you explain that your sexuality isn't some college-aged act of rebellion? how do you make them understand that you will love them no matter what, and only want that same support in return?

how do you cope with the aching inside you that tells you your time is running out? whether it's terminal illness or chronic illness or mental illness or this debilitating fear of success. how do you choose to divvy up your time when you feel like you have so little of it left?

how do you move forward when you cannot see a future with you in it?

i feel so lonely.

bye for now.

29 November 2012

back again.

so, basically, i bailed on thankful november. not that i haven't been thankful for all sorts of things throughout the month. i have. i just haven't been blogging because, well, everything sort of turned to shit.

well. my health turned to shit.

so, i apologize for my absence. i don't really know what to write about. i could tell you all about how half my face is paralyzed and all i want is pain meds so i can function. or i could tell you about how my bestie is a rockstar and has been so great throughout the past few weeks of insanity. or i could tell you about how i lost twelve pounds in a week (not a good thing. even though i could lose twelve pounds four more times, and be very happy. but, twelve in one week...mostly because i don't eat...because it hurts to chew...it isn't healthy). or i could tell you about finals. or christmas shopping. or how bill o'reilly doesn't think christianity is a religion (it's a philosophy), but judaism is. or how i had two thanksgivings. or how awesome the trans-siberian orchestra concert was.

i have all kinds of things to tell you.

but, truth be told, i'm exhausted. mostly because i'm in pain, so i sleep like shit. in any regard, my brain isn't functioning in writing-mode.

so, i'm here. i'm alive-ish, and partially functional, and will try to resume contributing to the blog-o-sphere in a somewhat timely fashion. in the meantime...be good to yourself.

bye for now.

07 November 2012


7 nov 2012:

today, i am thankful for a great many things.

today would be my father's 49th birthday. my dad died of a stroke, due to complications from surgery on a malignant brain tumor. he died twelve years, one month, a week, and five days ago. it's weird, celebrating -- or commemorating -- the birthday of someone who has died. we don't do anything crazy. my dad's parents went out to lunch with my dad's brother. i called and talked to my mother.

i live in the basement of my dad's parents' house. it used to be his grandparents house, until they died. technically, i think his brother is the one who owns the place. anyway. family home.

today, i woke up to the sounds of my grandfather playing the piano. we all play the piano, in my family. i play like my mother. i sight-read. i accompany. my grandpa plays like my dad did. he plays by ear. improvises. this morning's tune? lean on me tomorrow somewhere over the rainbow. mhm. from memory. it was beautiful.

i am thankful for my family. for music. for place.

i am thankful for fear that has controlled much of my life. not fear of death. death doesn't scare me. causing other people pain. that scares me. and i am thankful, in a strange sort of way, for that fear. because there are days where that is the only thing keeping me here.

but, today is not one of those days.

today i am grateful for life.

bye for now.