29 February 2012

holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.

as i go throughout various phases of life, i find music that speaks to what i am going through at the moment. as i move forward into new phases, that music follows me. linkin park was part of my "emo" phase in junior high -- the first time i took a serious look at my depression and anxiety issues. their first two albums still hold a special place in my heart.

once again, i am in a place where i am seriously looking at the depression and anxiety issues i'm grappling with. and i find that those lyrics are still as relevant now as they were eight years ago. that amazes me.

i'm going to be honest, and say that i have never been in such a dark place. i have spent many years ignoring issues that needed to be dealt with, focusing instead on the problems of others around me. anything was better than facing myself -- than admitting that i wasn't in control, that i didn't have it all together.

i don't have it all together.

from the outside, my life is much better now than it has been in the past. perhaps that is why i can no longer function. i have trudged through the physical problem itself. now i have the emotional remnants to deal with. for me, dealing with the emotional shit is the hardest part. i can take care of things that are tangible. when i can touch or hold the problem at hand, it becomes significantly easier to conquer. invisible enemies are more difficult to combat.

i have control issues. i attempt to control the things i can see, and ignore the things i cannot.

can't do that anymore. so. now we're embarking on a new phase of life. the phase in which i learn to take care of myself. here goes.

bye for now.

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