28 February 2012

i am not a maiden fair.

so...as you may or may not have noticed, the title for each of my blog posts comes from the lyrics to a song. if you can name all of the songs without googling the lyrics, supreme kudos to you.

the url for my blog comes from an ani difranco song called "not a pretty girl." if you don't know who ani difranco is and you enjoy political folk singers who produce their own records, check her out. if you enjoy poetry, check her out. in any case, at least check out the lyrics to "not a pretty girl."

anyway. i'm having a difficult time dealing with my image. i don't hate myself, but i do dislike myself very strongly. i dislike the way i look. i dislike that any attempt i make to change the way i look plunges me into deeper bouts of depression. and i dislike that my good qualities tend to backfire. for example:

i have never been the pretty one. i have always had friends who are better looking than i am. as such, i learned at a young age to utilize my brains to my advantage. i'm the smart friend. the one who keeps up with current affairs. the one who knows random historical facts. the one to whom you give your essays before you hand them in; and who knows the proper usage of "who/whom." that one. and when people describe me, the words "smart," "intelligent," or "intellectual" will invariably come up.

when you're a little kid and you want other people to notice you, you have to do it one of three ways: act out, look adorable, or impress them. i went the impress route. (i once memorized and recited the balcony scene from romeo and juliet, and then performed it for show-and-tell. i was seven. nerd.) this comes in handy now, in adulthood, because i've been having serious conversations with adults for the past seventeen years of my life. this doesn't come in handy when trying to interact with people my own age. aaaaand. it doesn't win me a list of possible suitors. it wins me adjectives like, "intimidating."

which i shouldn't care about. i'm twenty. i'm young. i'm headed in the direction of grad school. i'm independent. and i'm smart. the world is my oyster.

thus, i am at an impasse. i shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that i'm smart. i shouldn't want to trade being smart for being more attractive, or less socially awkward, or more outgoing. and i don't believe in dumbing myself down in order to "get guys." or girls. anyone. the majority of my life is cerebral in nature -- and i expect that one day i will find someone who respects that and still finds me interesting, rather than intimidating. because, "i am not a pretty girl. i don't want to be a pretty girl. no, i want to be more than a pretty girl."

bye for now.

No comments:

Post a Comment