23 March 2012

i am barely breathing.

i wanted to die, today.

i mean that in the literal sense. in a cease-to-exist sort of way.

i became so overwhelmed by a wave of guilt and anguish. of terror. and all i wanted to do was die.

i'm still here. i have the complete inability to be impulsive to thank for that. as well as the people who noticed that something was up, and took the time to say hello. text me. smile at me. ask about my day. things like that.

but it was scary.

freud says that inside each of us is a death drive. that our desire to experience pleasure (orgasm. everything is driven by our desire to experience orgasm.) is actually a desire to cease existing. i think freud was mistaken about a lot of things. i just don't know if this was one of them.

after the guilt and anguish and terror had subsided a little, i resigned myself to nail-biting and dr. pepper -- though what i really wanted was a cigarette. i don't smoke, in case you were wondering. but i really wanted that cigarette. something. something dangerous that i could hold between my lips. that i could breathe in. that would harm me without me having to endure actual pain, while simultaneously calming me down. nothing i've done has eradicated or satiated that desire.

anyway. i'm not going anywhere. i don't want to cause other people pain. death isn't scary, because the people who die get to leave. escape. what's shitty is being the one left behind. i've been the one who has been left behind. many times. i have no intention of deliberately inflicting that pain on other people.

so i'm still here. and until i can find within me the desire to live because i want to, living for others will have to do.

bye for now.

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