25 April 2012

don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.

i've always been the ugly duckling.

as a little girl, i remember being very annoyed when people would talk about how much i looked like my father. i didn't want to look like my dad. i wanted his personality, or what my six-year-old brain chose to see as his personality. but, he was a boy. i didn't want to look like a boy. we all look like my dad, my brothers and myself. there is no mistaking that my brothers and i are siblings -- which is fine, because they're cute kids. i, however, stopped being 'cute' around Fall of '99. all i wanted, at that point, was to be pretty. in a way, that's still all i want. to be pretty and well-liked. perhaps loved, by someone. anyway.

i have no sisters. instead, i have surrogate sisters, in the form of cousins. i have four of said cousins: chel, jill, enz, and marie. all of them are beautiful. each time i see them, i am reminded of how i am the odd-woman-out. which would be fine, i guess, if i had something else to offer. if i were the smart one. except, chel and marie are both brilliant, sophisticated women. both know french, as well. perhaps, if i were the fun one. nope. enz is the most easy-going, fun-loving person. jill is a partier.

the women on my mom's side of the family have a book club. we meet once every three months, or so. i went to book club this past saturday. chel was there. normally, i actively participate in literary discussions. i am, after all, a literature major. however, i didn't read the book we were discussing. so, instead, i found myself staring at chel, thinking about how much i would love to be as beautiful and brilliant and sophisticated as she is. on top of that, she's witty and fun.

life would be so great, if i were beautiful and brilliant and sophisticated and witty and fun.

instead, i'm...me. shy and awkward and intellectually masochistic and verging on neurotic.


bye for now.

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