16 April 2012

these words are my diary, screaming out loud.

i'm going to be honest. i don't know how many people read this blog. if i had to make a guess, i would say...three. two of whom i talk to on a regular basis, and who get to hear all about the craziness that is me and my life. the third is my beloved friend, ami, whom i'd marry -- if she weren't already hitched. i miss you ami!

anyway. if you're tired of reading about my struggle to stay afloat...part of me wants to apologize, but i'm not going to. i'm working on focusing on more positive things. on trying to chill. on getting out of bed and doing things. but, i do need to talk, sometimes, about the things going on inside my head. and though they may seem trite to you, they are very real, very scary, and very overwhelming to me. and as much as i'd love to wake up one morning and use my newly-found positive outlook on life to slay the dragons, it isn't that easy. i'd love for it to be, and i used to think that it was. that's how i ended up here, where i am now. by not taking seriously the things going on in my brain. and whether those things are caused by genetic predisposition to mental illness, a brain tumor, a lifetime of poor sleeping habits, awful coping strategies, placebo effect, or a combination of any/all of the above -- what causes all of it isn't what matters. what does matter is that, occasionally, it's nice to have someone to talk to about everything. that's a lot to ask of a person, which is why i started blogging again. then, it's left up to the reader's discretion, whether they choose to read the goings-on of my thought train.

this is where i come to breathe. i feel more calm after writing and publishing a new post than i do after any other activity. baking comes close, but blogging still wins that contest. i am incredibly grateful that there are people, however few in number they may be, who are interested in reading what i write. and i don't want to chase anyone away. i respect that people have their own opinions on what i am going through. that is your prerogative, and i will not impose upon that. i do ask, in return, that you continue to have patience with me. i hear, all the time, that there are simple answers to my problems. some people tell me that those answers are in diving head-first to face my fears. others tell me that the answers are in god. and if you say to me that you have answers, i am more than willing to listen. but. please. understand that there are things you cannot and do not know. about where i have been. about what is going on inside my head. about the demons with which i am grappling.

and, please, understand that i mean no disrespect. i figure that if you didn't care about my well-being, you wouldn't comment at all.

i appreciate that there are people who care about my well-being.

i'm in for a rough summer. and i hope you will join me for the ride. if nothing else, i promise there will be entertaining stories in which i survive a mosquito attack at a soccer game, or injure myself getting into a vehicle, or send people screaming because i'm wearing shorts. but i am taking steps to gain control of my life. it will be terrifying and exhilarating, i'm sure. there will be a lot of reading, and baking. hopefully, some intriguing family gatherings, as well. i plan on there being good days. but i also know there will be not-so-good ones. i hope you'll understand that i will share both.

these are my words. and i hope you'll continue to read them.

bye for now.

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