28 April 2012

to see if i still feel.

this is a post about self-harm.

i don't know if any of you have self-harmed. i have struggled with various forms of self-harm for...twelve...thirteen years now. i've cut, bitten, scratched, burned, binged, purged, starved, pill-popped, hit, and done other things to myself that i'll leave out of this list. people self-harm for a variety of reasons. if you have ever done it, you know that your own reasons are not always the same. if you've never done it, the whole phenomenon can be incredibly difficult to understand.

but, that is for another discussion.

this discussion is about how, after almost thirteen years, i still struggle with the urge to hurt myself. almost daily. and, some days, that urge is too enticing to resist.

at that point, i become overwhelmed with this insane amount of guilt. 'i'm so stupid. why did i do this. i'm absolutely pathetic. worthless. awful excuse for a human being.' yes, i say those things to myself. yes, in that moment, i believe those things. and this fuels the cycle. makes me feel like i deserve more pain. like i'm punishing myself for being...pathetic. worthless. a poor excuse for a human being.

some times, other people help me to realize -- typically, inadvertently -- that people sometimes make less-than-brilliant decisions. but, the way to deal with those moments is not to fixate on how stupid it was to make those decisions. instead, you just try again. just. try. again.

seems so easy. 'k, yeah. i just sliced myself open. but it's okay. i'm just gonna try to find a better way to cope with my emotions in the future.'

is that really all there is to it?

bye for now.

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