this particular problem is a mixture of social anxiety, paranoia, and heightened fear of both success and failure.
example: i have impulses that are difficult to control. sometimes these impulses are wanting to smoke. sometimes they are wanting a dr. pepper. regardless of the impulse, whether or not i act on them is determined by how those around me will react to me acting on said impulse. i can drink a can of dr. pepper with little to no ridicule from those around me. if i say the word, "cigarette," i get looks of disappointment, followed by lectures. so, whether or not i do things is based on how others will react. if i can explain what i've done to others without somehow disappointing them. or if i can hide what i've done, altogether.
i was seeing a therapist, about two months ago. i saw said therapist four times, i believe. maybe only three. either way, it isn't important. was is important, is that i stopped. i stopped, because it became increasingly more difficult to explain to other people what i was doing for the three hours it took me to ride the bus to the office, have my session, and ride the bus home. i panicked about what other people would think, and i stopped going.
this is bad, because i really do need help. and the longer i wait to get help, the worse things get. the more wall off myself from the rest of the world, and retreat inside my head (which, as i've mentioned before, is not a good place to be). case in point, i've been staying at my mom's for a week, now. it's great. i get to spend most of my day in a familiar space, without having to interact with anyone i don't know. the people with whom i do interact are some of the only people i still feel safe around. it's a great set-up. minus the fact that i'm avoiding interacting with anyone i don't feel comfortable around. though, i must admit, i do enjoy the baking materials at my disposal.
anywho. i was supposed to start therapy again, friday. i didn't go, because i couldn't figure out a way to explain to my brother why i needed to borrow the car, without coming clean. and...my brother isn't the type to be cool with therapy. doctors, okay. prescriptions...acceptable. therapy? get over it. at least, that's what i perceive. i could be completely wrong. but, i don't want to find out, either way. i'm terrified. so. i didn't go to my appointment. i actually slept through my alarm, and didn't call to cancel. i should've, but i didn't. now, i need to call and reschedule my appointment. however, i'm terrified of calling, and having to explain why i missed my appointment on friday. my heart beat is increasing, just thinking about it. not in a good way.
so, yeah. i'm stuck. i'm scared out of my mind, and i know i can't get through this on my own, but i'm both too proud and too terrified to ask for and seek out the help i need. lovely, isn't it. if you have any questions, comments, suggestions, sarcasm...they'd be greatly appreciated.
bye for now.