03 October 2012

oh, so pretty.

the problem with pretty:

so, once upon a time, i had a favorite song. this song was entitled, "not a pretty girl." the lyrics of this song inspired me to begin this blog. (yay!) i have never been a pretty girl, and i, at the time, wanted to prove that i am "more" than that. that, somehow, being pretty is what happens when you lack brains and ambition.

there are so many problems with that tenet of thought. but, more on that at another point in time.

maybe it's not because i'm not pretty, but because i'm crazy. but, i like to operate under the assumption that most people don't know that i'm broken and damaged (by societal standards).

i am smart. i am driven, when i don't let my anxiety control my life. these are qualities that i look for in a partner, and qualities that i hope others value in me.

i am also single.

i used to think that if i were smart and driven, it would be enough for someone to love me. i know i'm leaving myself wide open to a barrage of psychoanalysis about my abandonment issues and my codependency issues. my need to be needed and my desire to be loved. but, don't tell me that you don't want those things, too. or, if you are fortunate enough to have those things, that you wouldn't like to keep them.

anyway. i am full of tangents and digressions today, people. my apologies.

pretty. it's a problem.

it's a problem when you like someone and you think you would have a fighting chance, if only you were pretty.

i get resentful. i don't play well with other women, unless there is some sort of attraction between us. pretty girls are nice to look at, but i don't like them. they make my life miserable, because people would rather be with them than with me.

glancing over the part where i talk about how i'm a good girlfriend...i'm always the friend.

and not even the friend. just the friend. i wouldn't mind being the friend so much, if it didn't sound like a punishment. "oh, we're just friends." as if relationships are measure by the continuum exhibited below:

enemies-->strangers-->acquaintances-->just friends-->friends with benefits-->romantic partners-->exes

i don't know about you, but i put a lot of time and energy into any relationship. my relationship with my best friend is one such relationship. to use the word "just" to describe any aspect of our relationship would be, in my opinion, an insult. he is not just anything, to me. he is my friend. my nearest and dearest friend. i do not value his friendship less because we don't bang like jungle monkeys. i hope that he would say the same about me.

but i still have this pretty little chip on my shoulder. why does pretty matter so much? i feel like i do a pretty good job of caring about more than someone's aesthetic appeal. why am i not on the receiving end of this?

well, i'm going to go channel my bitterness and sexual frustration into some baking.

bye for now.

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