19 October 2012

you're beautiful, that's for sure.

i want to talk to you about body positivity.

before you scoff and remind me that i am the LAST person to be talking about loving oneself...

no. go ahead. scoff. i know how terrible i am to myself. i know how hypocritical it is of me to sit here and write about how people need to love their bodies. get over it.

my body has been the cause of a lot of grief, throughout my lifetime. something about my physical being has never been "enough." i spent my early childhood being teased because of my hands and ears. i spent late elementary school being bullied because i had started puberty before anyone else. i spent junior high listening to girls tell me about how boys want to kiss them and not me because i'm just not pretty. i spent high school falling in love with people who thought i was such a good friend, but not attractive enough to warrant being anything other than "just friends." and i've spent most of my college life hiding my insecurities behind over-the-top flirtations with anyone who will pay me the smallest bit of attention. i've been in three sexually -- and sometimes physically -- abusive relationships, within the past six years.

my body has been the source of many tears, much blood, and a whole lot of sweat, through no fault of her own. but, i have taken out my anger and hurt and frustration on her, nonetheless.

i've put her through a pill-popping addiction, eating disorders, cutting, burning, sleep deprivation, and a whole lot of hate speech (for lack of a better term).

i've learned that the things that are of value, about me, are mental. not even mental. intellectual. that i am smart, and that is what i must depend on and play up. and i'm not knocking my smartness. i appreciate my mental/intellectual capabilities. but i have learned to abhor my body through focusing on my mind.

and it needs to stop.

so. this is my commitment to changing the way i think about my body. to learning to love my body.

here we go.

bye for now.

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