it has only been within the past six months or so that i have been free of toxic relationships. (my relationships with my family members are slightly dysfunctional, yes, but not toxic.) i have spent most of my life bouncing from one unhealthy situation to the next, cognizant of the abuse i experienced but having been convinced i was powerless to stop it. even convinced that i deserved it.
yeah. i know. pretty messed up.
needless to say, i haven't had a whole lot of functional relationships. not with human beings. very few with structures. i developed addictions and coping mechanisms that were almost as damaging to my mind, and sometimes my body, as the abuse i experienced.
but there was language.
i sought solace in words. whether i read the words of poets and novelists and essayists and playwrights and screenwriters, or listened to the words of lyricists and songwriters, or wrote words of my own...i found an escape, and then a catharsis, in language.
4 nov 2012:
i am grateful for language.
i am grateful for the outlet that language provides me. for the opportunities afforded me to share my ideas with others via the written and spoken word. for the strength i have found within the words of others. for the situation in which i find myself, where i spend my time devoted to studying language.
i recognize that i, at times, write about off-the-wall things (kink post? what the hell was that about?) or that my posts are sometimes disjointed, or that i'm writing here more for the sake of my own sanity than for your enjoyment or displeasure. normally i would apologize for that. but i won't.
i am grateful for this space, where i am able to share the mess inside my head.
bye for now.