07 November 2012

vivez.

7 nov 2012:

today, i am thankful for a great many things.

today would be my father's 49th birthday. my dad died of a stroke, due to complications from surgery on a malignant brain tumor. he died twelve years, one month, a week, and five days ago. it's weird, celebrating -- or commemorating -- the birthday of someone who has died. we don't do anything crazy. my dad's parents went out to lunch with my dad's brother. i called and talked to my mother.

i live in the basement of my dad's parents' house. it used to be his grandparents house, until they died. technically, i think his brother is the one who owns the place. anyway. family home.

today, i woke up to the sounds of my grandfather playing the piano. we all play the piano, in my family. i play like my mother. i sight-read. i accompany. my grandpa plays like my dad did. he plays by ear. improvises. this morning's tune? lean on me tomorrow somewhere over the rainbow. mhm. from memory. it was beautiful.

i am thankful for my family. for music. for place.

i am thankful for fear that has controlled much of my life. not fear of death. death doesn't scare me. causing other people pain. that scares me. and i am thankful, in a strange sort of way, for that fear. because there are days where that is the only thing keeping me here.

but, today is not one of those days.

today i am grateful for life.

bye for now.

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