04 December 2012

i know blue...only blue.

i feel so lonely.

lonely and alone are different. i know i am not alone. i am surrounded by wonderful people. i live with my grandparents, who are toeing the line between being parental and being adult housemates. they are always looking out for me. my cousins/soul-sisters keep me sane. i tell them the random mundane frustrations of my life, and they stand with me in solidarity. my brothers worry about me -- and the fact that i am on their radar is enough for me. my mother is incredible. she has my back. she gives me a shoulder to cry on. she plays the strong one so i get to be scared. because sometimes i need to not have to be the strong one. sometimes i need to just be scared. my coworkers are very sweet, keeping me laughing. my dear friend ami makes sure i know how much i'm loved, which is something that i have a tendency to forget. and my beloved bestie. that man keeps me grounded. every person needs a good anchor. so. i know i am not alone.

why, then, do i feel so lonely?

i'm going to play psychiatrist and say that this is depression eating my soul. i feel like i have so much to deal with, and that i have to do it all on my own. i don't want to burden other people...especially when those people have their own burdens to carry. i feel ugly. i feel unwanted. i feel abandoned. i feel terrified.

i feel like i need to break down and do the ugly cry on my bedroom floor, but the fucking tears won't come.

i feel like i need a release. a vacation from my life. some good karma.

i feel like people are trying to give me what they think i need. and that is very sweet of them. i appreciate the sentiment. but i feel like i'm not getting what i need, and i feel like i'm too afraid to ask for it.

how do you ask your bestie for a hug when you're non-hug people? how do you ask him to hold you so you can just cry, or catch your breath?

how do you ask your family to understand that your spirituality is moving in a different direction than they want it to? how do you explain that your sexuality isn't some college-aged act of rebellion? how do you make them understand that you will love them no matter what, and only want that same support in return?

how do you cope with the aching inside you that tells you your time is running out? whether it's terminal illness or chronic illness or mental illness or this debilitating fear of success. how do you choose to divvy up your time when you feel like you have so little of it left?

how do you move forward when you cannot see a future with you in it?

i feel so lonely.

bye for now.

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