11 February 2012

i wanna hold your hand.

i always fall in love with my best friend. it has always been this way. this makes it especially difficult to be supportive when my best friend falls in love with someone else.

but i am trying.

it is a painful endeavor.

i find myself thinking, "hey! pay attention to me! i know i'm not as pretty or smart as she is, but i'm not all that bad. am i?"

maybe i am. maybe that's my problem.

i have a bad habit of falling for people who won't fall for me. and i've always wanted to ask those people to make a list of reasons why i'm not good enough.

instead, i ask them what their perfect partner is like.

it's essentially the same thing.

my mother always asks me about what's wrong with the people i'm friends with. "why aren't they dating you? what's their problem?" i side-smile and half-shrug. "i don't know, mom." i'm glad that she always talks about my friends being the ones with the problem, and not me. she told me the other day that my life is going to be like My Best Friend's Wedding. except i'm gonna be dermot mulroney, and whichever friend of choice is going to be julia roberts. i only hope that i marry someone better-looking than cameron diaz. better yet, i hope that cameron diaz will understand when i ride off into the sunset with juila roberts (which i think is a much better ending, personally). chances are, my life will be much closer to Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, only kate bosworth will run away with josh duhamel and i, topher grace, will weep uncontrollably. and claim they are tears of joy, because i am the ever-supportive best friend. *siiiiiiiiiiigh.* happy weekend-before-valentine's-day.

bye for now.

06 February 2012

there's no secrets this year.

crediting silversun pickups for the title of this post. the title has always bothered my grammar-police alter ego, because it should technically be, "there are no secrets..." anywho. moving forward.

posit on secrecy. i have this dear, dear friend. and we will refer to dear, dear friend as... "kate." kate has helped me through an intense year and a half, or so. she is my nearest-and-dearest friend, and i love her to pieces. naturally, when she had a situation arise, i put on my "listener" boots and was ready to be of assistance. kate, however, is sort of an enigma. she's used to being on her own, which makes it difficult to open up to other people. she's a very private individual. it's part of what i love about her. opening up is a big deal. i feel very honored when she does open up to me a bit. last night, i was talking with kate, asking her about this difficult situation she is in. she told me, that she didn't know if i'd noticed, but she has "a hard time talking about things that [she] deem[s] important." and that statement got me thinking.

i talk a lot. i love talking. not because i have so much to say, but because i want to hear what other people have to say. most people have a hard time trusting others. my trust issues go the other way -- i trust too easily. so. when i interact with other people, i talk a lot, tell them things in the hopes that they will deem the environment safe enough to confide in me as well. and i realized, as i was talking to kate, that even though i appear to extend trust to others, i have the same issue as she does. i find it difficult to talk to other people about things that i deem important. i will skirt the surface. i will say something in such a manner that they can tell it's a big deal. i'll dig down a level or two. and then i will stop. and it seems, at that point, that i have confided in them. i guess i have. i guess any communication with another human being can be considered a confidence of sorts. but, i hide the scary stuff. i like to think that people can see through me -- that they know there's a ruse of being an open book, and that there's so much more to me than what i'm willing to say. i'm a terrible liar, i'm told. but i think people believe what they want to believe. i think people want to believe that the dark, scary stuff that i don't share with other people...i think people want to believe that stuff doesn't exist.

but it does. it's here, inside my head. probably not healthy, and probably not smart, considering my family's predisposition for mental health problems. paranoid schizophrenia, here i come! joking. in poor taste. i'm probably just bipolar. ha. but yeah. that's all for now. more on dark side and scary stuff -- to be continued at a later point in time. after i sleep.

bye for now.