03 March 2012

life is still worthwhile.

so...i frequently focus on the negative things in life. i was going over my recent blog posts, and they contain most of the same themes: life is scary; trying to change; sea of depression; and the like. it isn't my intent to post the same general idea, reformatted, over and over. that's why we have hollywood. therefore, here is a posit on things that inevitably make me smile:

  1. snarky comments. i adore witty people. i greatly admire witty people who have the talent to present their peanut gallery comments via sarcasm, and the courage to verbalize these remarks.
  2. texts from my brother. the bond between us has been forged mainly through hours of watching movies together, as well as enduring family gatherings. he doesn't typically communicate with me unless we are in the same room. but. any time i get a text from him, i smile.
  3. smoothies. no need to elaborate.
  4. people-watching with kate. i've mentioned kate before -- my nearest/dearest friend. we like to pick out people and make up stories about their lives. a sure-fire way to brighten my mood.
  5. boybands. 90s child. my first two cds were backstreet boys' and *nsync's first albums. my roommate once took a video of me singing "i want it that way" while getting ready, using a curling iron as a mic.
  6. audrey hepburn. people think i am obsessed with audrey. they are correct. she is beautiful, sophisticated, talented. pictures of her makes me smile. however, breakfast at tiffany's makes me cry.
  7. clean towels, fresh from the dryer. the warmth. the smell.
  8. pictures of kitties. different from cats. kitties are incredibly cute cats.
  9. ihopericksantorum.tumblr.com. don't click on the link if you're easily offended. but, i think rick santorum is the most frightening thing to happen to american politics in the 21st century. yes, this includes george w. bush, john mccain and sarah palin. these are just things people hope happen to beloved rick. "I hope Rick Santorum tries to rip a sheet of paper out of a spiral note book and misses the perforation every time." that makes two of us.
  10. cute moments between couples and potential-couples on tv shows. sara and neal from white collar. castle and beckett from castle. anyone from modern family. it's the same satisfaction that comes at the end of two weeks notice when sandra and hugh finally kiss.

bye for now

29 February 2012

holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.

as i go throughout various phases of life, i find music that speaks to what i am going through at the moment. as i move forward into new phases, that music follows me. linkin park was part of my "emo" phase in junior high -- the first time i took a serious look at my depression and anxiety issues. their first two albums still hold a special place in my heart.

once again, i am in a place where i am seriously looking at the depression and anxiety issues i'm grappling with. and i find that those lyrics are still as relevant now as they were eight years ago. that amazes me.

i'm going to be honest, and say that i have never been in such a dark place. i have spent many years ignoring issues that needed to be dealt with, focusing instead on the problems of others around me. anything was better than facing myself -- than admitting that i wasn't in control, that i didn't have it all together.

i don't have it all together.

from the outside, my life is much better now than it has been in the past. perhaps that is why i can no longer function. i have trudged through the physical problem itself. now i have the emotional remnants to deal with. for me, dealing with the emotional shit is the hardest part. i can take care of things that are tangible. when i can touch or hold the problem at hand, it becomes significantly easier to conquer. invisible enemies are more difficult to combat.

i have control issues. i attempt to control the things i can see, and ignore the things i cannot.

can't do that anymore. so. now we're embarking on a new phase of life. the phase in which i learn to take care of myself. here goes.

bye for now.

28 February 2012

i am not a maiden fair.

so...as you may or may not have noticed, the title for each of my blog posts comes from the lyrics to a song. if you can name all of the songs without googling the lyrics, supreme kudos to you.

the url for my blog comes from an ani difranco song called "not a pretty girl." if you don't know who ani difranco is and you enjoy political folk singers who produce their own records, check her out. if you enjoy poetry, check her out. in any case, at least check out the lyrics to "not a pretty girl."

anyway. i'm having a difficult time dealing with my image. i don't hate myself, but i do dislike myself very strongly. i dislike the way i look. i dislike that any attempt i make to change the way i look plunges me into deeper bouts of depression. and i dislike that my good qualities tend to backfire. for example:

i have never been the pretty one. i have always had friends who are better looking than i am. as such, i learned at a young age to utilize my brains to my advantage. i'm the smart friend. the one who keeps up with current affairs. the one who knows random historical facts. the one to whom you give your essays before you hand them in; and who knows the proper usage of "who/whom." that one. and when people describe me, the words "smart," "intelligent," or "intellectual" will invariably come up.

when you're a little kid and you want other people to notice you, you have to do it one of three ways: act out, look adorable, or impress them. i went the impress route. (i once memorized and recited the balcony scene from romeo and juliet, and then performed it for show-and-tell. i was seven. nerd.) this comes in handy now, in adulthood, because i've been having serious conversations with adults for the past seventeen years of my life. this doesn't come in handy when trying to interact with people my own age. aaaaand. it doesn't win me a list of possible suitors. it wins me adjectives like, "intimidating."

which i shouldn't care about. i'm twenty. i'm young. i'm headed in the direction of grad school. i'm independent. and i'm smart. the world is my oyster.

thus, i am at an impasse. i shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that i'm smart. i shouldn't want to trade being smart for being more attractive, or less socially awkward, or more outgoing. and i don't believe in dumbing myself down in order to "get guys." or girls. anyone. the majority of my life is cerebral in nature -- and i expect that one day i will find someone who respects that and still finds me interesting, rather than intimidating. because, "i am not a pretty girl. i don't want to be a pretty girl. no, i want to be more than a pretty girl."

bye for now.

27 February 2012

lost my mind. want you to stay.

mkay. so, i came across this blog post the other day. at the time, i was thinking about relationships and love and how messed up people get when their hearts have been broken. how jaded people can be -- and how easy it is to become so.

i haven't been in an official relationship in...three years, eight months, and four days. but who's counting? ha.

that isn't to say that i've been "single" for the same amount of time. i've had "flings." and "pseudo-relationships." and "non-relationships" that were definitely relationships but we didn't want to refer to it as such. heaven forbid people be committed to one another. in that respect, i've been on my own for...six weeks or so. perhaps seven.

and each encounter that i have with another human being leaves me more terrified of commitment, creates more trust issues, and results in more emotional scarring.


anywho. i liked this blog post. so, here you go:

lez be honest: a lesbian blog: My generation: definitely not together and sure as...

26 February 2012

a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot.

i am...watching the oscars. i adore awards shows. the tonys are my favorite, followed closely by the oscars, and then the grammys. why do i watch awards shows? because i enjoy the extravagance? well. sort of. however. i believe in the power of the arts. and awards shows celebrate the arts in a society that encourages science, technology and business -- oftentimes telling the next generation that the arts have no power to change the world.

as long as there are entities dedicated to celebrating the arts, the arts will have the power to change the world.

you know, wherever i am, i'll come running.

today was a marvelous day.

it was the perfect balance of productiveness, social interaction and me-time.

i went out with my dear friend whom we shall refer to as john. john and i drove around, went to dinner, and grabbed shakes afterward -- all while people-watching, which is a beloved pastime of ours. we talked. we speculated. we laughed. we ate. it was the best way to spend a saturday evening.

and as i was out with john, i was reminded how lucky i am to have the people who are in my life.

because this is the first time in my life that i haven't been in a toxic, manipulative, or otherwise unhealthy relationship with another human being. there are relationships in my life that are complicated. there always will be. but. few though they may be, the people in my life are a strong support system.

and i give them my loyalty and trust in return. 

thank you.

bye for now.