07 April 2012

wrap me up, unfold me.

this is a post about identity.

i am a bisexual agnostic cis female american of mainly british and scandinavian heritage.

i listen to all kinds of music -- though, lately, i have immersed myself in a blend of eminem, miles davis and eric clapton. i am a literature major and read mostly what i'm assigned to read. this semester, that has been modern british and russian realist/modernist novels/poetry/short stories. on my own time, i love to read memoirs, dystopian literature, plays and poetry. i mostly watch crime shows. i love psychological thrillers, but have a soft spot for chick-flicks.

i invest a lot of time thinking about how i can avoid causing other people pain. i am an oldest child. an only girl. i don't want kids. i don't know that i want to ever be married, either.

when i vote, i vote democrat; i'm registered 'unaffiliated' and refer to myself as being a 'social democrat.' i believe in social programs, mainly public education and socialized medicine.

my favorite pen is a purple paper mate ball point made of 80% recycled materials. i love the purple ink, and i love the way the pen feels in my hand. my second favorite pen is a blue cristal bic. my favorite colors are purple (eggplant), gray (charcoal), and black. i dislike animal prints. i refuse to drive trucks, vans, suvs or cross-overs. the most recent pair of shoes i bought are a size 3 in kids.

when i was little, i wanted to be both an astronaut and a ballerina. i saw no reason why i couldn't do both. i wanted to be smart and pretty. that's still mostly what i want in life. to be both smart and pretty. i hate my appearance.

i would do anything for the people i care about. i love my family, even though they are crazy. i've struggled with depression and anxiety issues for many, many years, but am only now trying to face those issues. i seek out the good qualities in others and ignore the faults, but act conversely in regards to myself.

my favorite word is 'ameliorate.'

these things, and many others, comprise my identity. i am much more than 'female.' i am much more than 'bisexual.' though there may be common threads between myself and other females, or myself and other bisexuals, i am not my gender. i am not my sexuality. they are important parts of who i am. i am sarcastic and self-depricating. these are also important parts of my identity. there is more to me than can be surmised from a checkmark next to the letter 'f'' or the letter 'b.'

04 April 2012

how appropriate.

this is a list of things that i've done recently that were probably inappropriate.  for the record, some of the things were accidental, like the thing with the maintenance man this morning.

  1. asked the pizza guy to be our third person in a threesome with myself and my roommate.
  2. answered the door in nothing but a bathrobe, and then accidentally flashed the maintenance man as i was getting my laundry out of the dryer.
  3. made out with my roommate -- again.
  4. answered the door in boxers and a tank-sans-bra, then invited the two guys from church to come in, sit down, and talk to me about jesus.
  5. hit on the cute delivery girl, who was probably straight.
  6. flirted with a girl at work and invited her to do kinky things with me -- while other members of my team were present.
  7. blogged about my underwear. :)
  8. gave my internet password to my younger brother so he could watch porn.
  9. told my partner at work that i was on drugs -- it was only ativan, but i figured someone needed to know, in case something happened to me and i was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
  10. fantasized explicitly about hooking up with a girl, while (in real life/in person) she was asking me about heading up a latin study group for the summer and telling me about being back together with her boyfriend.

bye for now

03 April 2012

all of the boys and all of the girls.

having written about my underwear, it's time to post about sex.

i will quickly admit that my "sex life" has not been filled with happiness. in fact, most of my sexual encounters have been fairly traumatic experiences, in one way or another. i don't like to be the one in control, but i don't like not having control. i will do what others want me to -- not because i like to please, but because i'm terrified of what will happen if i say, "no." though, i do like to please. i just prefer to do so in a situation that i don't feel i've been pressured into.

anyway. pressure. sex. women. i do a lot of reading on things like the virginity movement (people who are predominantly christian and ultra-conservative, who feel that the worth of a woman is dependent entirely upon whether or not she is, or ever has been, sexually active), because i grew up with the knowledge that if i were to ever have sex before marriage, i would become a social pariah. i also knew that if i were to ever be sexually assaulted or abused, this would be considered the consequence of some fault of my own. at this point in my life, i don't think i will ever have children. but, if i do ever have children, i do NOT want them growing up with these same thoughts.

i realize that i'm rambling, and most of what i'm saying is disjointed. but, here's my point: sex is a good thing. people should not be afraid of sex. people who have sex should not be shamed for doing so. people have boundaries, and their environment should be conducive to staying within those boundaries. communication is necessary. "no" means "no." silence means "no." "yes" under coercion means "no." in a moment of uncertainty, err on the side of caution and assume the answer is "no." and, most importantly, be gracious. be respectful. and have fun. :) sex is meant to be enjoyed.

bye for now.