28 April 2012

to see if i still feel.

this is a post about self-harm.

i don't know if any of you have self-harmed. i have struggled with various forms of self-harm for...twelve...thirteen years now. i've cut, bitten, scratched, burned, binged, purged, starved, pill-popped, hit, and done other things to myself that i'll leave out of this list. people self-harm for a variety of reasons. if you have ever done it, you know that your own reasons are not always the same. if you've never done it, the whole phenomenon can be incredibly difficult to understand.

but, that is for another discussion.

this discussion is about how, after almost thirteen years, i still struggle with the urge to hurt myself. almost daily. and, some days, that urge is too enticing to resist.

at that point, i become overwhelmed with this insane amount of guilt. 'i'm so stupid. why did i do this. i'm absolutely pathetic. worthless. awful excuse for a human being.' yes, i say those things to myself. yes, in that moment, i believe those things. and this fuels the cycle. makes me feel like i deserve more pain. like i'm punishing myself for being...pathetic. worthless. a poor excuse for a human being.

some times, other people help me to realize -- typically, inadvertently -- that people sometimes make less-than-brilliant decisions. but, the way to deal with those moments is not to fixate on how stupid it was to make those decisions. instead, you just try again. just. try. again.

seems so easy. 'k, yeah. i just sliced myself open. but it's okay. i'm just gonna try to find a better way to cope with my emotions in the future.'

is that really all there is to it?

bye for now.

27 April 2012

i would be the sunlight in your universe.

i love eric clapton. not only is he a musical mastermind, and quite possibly the greatest guitarist of all time, but the lyrics in the songs he sings...ahem...speak to me.

i have a list of excerpts from songs i love, the first being from an eric clapton song i've had stuck in my head today. perhaps you know which songs these excerpts are from? here they be:
  • if i could change the world, i would be the sunlight in your universe.
  • can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, your best friend always sticking up for you -- even when you know you're wrong? can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried, romance, five-hour phone conversations...
  • lose the earthquakes, keep the faults. fill the oceans, without the salt. let every man own his own hand. can you dig it, baby? what kind of world do you want? think...anything. let's start at the start, build a masterpiece. be careful what you wish for.
  • let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.
  • there's only now. there's only here. give in to love, or live in fear. no other path, no other way. no day but today.
  • there's more to love than only bitterness and lies.
  • i'd rather be anything but ordinary, please.
  • i cannot grow old in salem's lot.
  • we're all stars now, in the dope show.
  • what if this whole crusade's a charade, and behind it all there's a price to be paid for the blood which we dine, justified in the name of the holy and the divine?
  • this is me, pretending this is all i need.
  • you sit there, in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways. you play forgiveness. watch it now: here he comes. he doesn't look a thing like jesus, but he talks like a gentleman...like you imagined, when you were young.
  • relax, said the nightman. we are programmed to receive. you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
  • (this is my favorite love song.) the very thought of you, and i forget to do the little ordinary things everyone ought to do. i'm living in a kind of daydream. i'm happy as a queen. and, foolish though it may seem, to me it's everything. the mere idea of you. the longing here for you. you never know how slow the moments go, oh, until i'm near to you. i see your face in every flower, your eyes in the stars above. it's just the thought of you, the very thought of you, my love.
yes. that is all, for the time-being.

bye for now.

25 April 2012

even angels have their wicked schemes.

what? multiple blog posts in one day? yes. i have a lot on my mind. all summed up in lyrics written by the talented eminem.

before i begin, i want to make it known that i have nothing against people who want children. or who have children. mkay.

i don't want children. i can picture myself as a mom. i have the mormon-mom hips that are great for supporting boxes as you carry them across parking lots, as well as holding little kids. i have this need to be nurturing. but, i don't want kids.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the reasons why i don't want children. are they selfish? yes. though, i'm more than happy to argue about the selfishness of child-bearing and rearing, if you'd like to listen, sometime.

these reasons are listed in no particular order.

first reason: i've already helped to raise kids. my dad died when i was nine. my mom was six months pregnant with my youngest brother, at the time. my other two brothers were six and 21 months. i stopped being a kid the summer before my dad died, and was suddenly this sibling/parent hybrid. my relationships with my brothers have become increasingly more complicated as they've gotten older. but, for awhile, i was the other 'parent.'

second reason: i don't want to bring more children into the world. yeah, sure, it'd be great to look at my kids and be like, hey. those are my cute shoulder dimples. but, i don't want that badly enough to bring more children into the world. there are so many kids, already, who are in need of loving homes and families. my bleeding heart can't justify bringing more children into the world instead of helping out the children who are already here. thus, if i ever do decide that i want kids, i will probably adopt.

third reason: i do not want to be my mom. i love my mom with all my heart. i do. but, sometimes, i see bits of her personality surface in mine. my childhood was filled with a lot of guilt and manipulation. i don't want to pass that on to another generation.

fourth reason: i have my heart set on a career in academia. there are women in academia who manage to do it. who manage to be both mothers and professors. but, i don't want my children to grow up angry that i was giving a lecture on Foucault's Panopticism and missed their soccer game or choir concert. i'm not going to bring children into circumstances for which i know they will grow up resenting me.

fifth reason: this is probably the most important reason, for me. i have an aunt. lynn. lynn is one of my favorite people on the planet. my liberal beliefs were founded at an early age, with influence -- albeit unintentional on her part -- from lynn. lynn is the only other member of my family, on either my mom's or my dad's side, who is not an active member of the lds faith. she has two kids. for a few years, she raised them as jewish. as in, the kids went to hebrew school and whatnot. now, she's implementing ideas of openness toward and respect for all religious beliefs, though actively advocating none. yet, my grandparents are trying to teach lynn's boys the 'right way.' whenever they're alone with the boys, they teach them primary songs. about various tenets of gospel doctrine. they were teaching the youngest how to pray, last time i was with them.

the lds faith is one that instills into the hearts and minds of its believers that eternal sadness and disappointment awaits those who do not obey. the biggest threat? that you will not be able to be with your family. the way this is most effectively carried out is by telling you that the rest of your family will make it to heaven -- well, technically, the highest degree of the celestial kingdom -- and your unfaithfulness will result in you being separated from them for eternity. won't that be devastating? i fretted for years and years about not being a doubter because my dad was dead, and i really wanted there to be another life in which my family was whole, once again. my grandparents have the same desire -- that is, for their family to be whole. however, they recognize that, according to their faith, their daughter will not be able to join them. but this doesn't mean that it's too late for her kids.

i don't want that. i don't want to take my kids to family gatherings and have them bombarded with propaganda from my grandparents, my mother, my siblings, and whomever else. i don't want to have to explain that i am the cause of a large amount grief in the lives of the people i love, because they don't think i will be able to spend eternity in joyfulness with them. and, moreover, i don't know that i could handle it, if my children did decide that they wanted to join the faith. i don't know that i could bear that look of sadness in the eyes of my mom, when i tell her i'm not currently interested in attending the temple, appearing in the eyes of my children, as well.

finally, i feel like bringing children into the world is about leaving the world a little bit better than it was when you entered it. and, i feel like i can do that most effectively through means other than being a parent.

there you go. my diatribe. all selfish reasons. perhaps paltry, as well. but my reasons, nonetheless.

bye for now.

don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.

i've always been the ugly duckling.

as a little girl, i remember being very annoyed when people would talk about how much i looked like my father. i didn't want to look like my dad. i wanted his personality, or what my six-year-old brain chose to see as his personality. but, he was a boy. i didn't want to look like a boy. we all look like my dad, my brothers and myself. there is no mistaking that my brothers and i are siblings -- which is fine, because they're cute kids. i, however, stopped being 'cute' around Fall of '99. all i wanted, at that point, was to be pretty. in a way, that's still all i want. to be pretty and well-liked. perhaps loved, by someone. anyway.

i have no sisters. instead, i have surrogate sisters, in the form of cousins. i have four of said cousins: chel, jill, enz, and marie. all of them are beautiful. each time i see them, i am reminded of how i am the odd-woman-out. which would be fine, i guess, if i had something else to offer. if i were the smart one. except, chel and marie are both brilliant, sophisticated women. both know french, as well. perhaps, if i were the fun one. nope. enz is the most easy-going, fun-loving person. jill is a partier.

the women on my mom's side of the family have a book club. we meet once every three months, or so. i went to book club this past saturday. chel was there. normally, i actively participate in literary discussions. i am, after all, a literature major. however, i didn't read the book we were discussing. so, instead, i found myself staring at chel, thinking about how much i would love to be as beautiful and brilliant and sophisticated as she is. on top of that, she's witty and fun.

life would be so great, if i were beautiful and brilliant and sophisticated and witty and fun.

instead, i'm...me. shy and awkward and intellectually masochistic and verging on neurotic.

lovely.

bye for now.