01 June 2012

lovin', touchin', squeezin'.

i make playlists when i get...angry, sad, happy, anxious. and other, more complicated emotions and combinations thereof. this is my current playlist:

  1. hiding my heart -- brandi carlile (i wish i could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun.)
  2. i want to hold your hand -- t.v. carpio, cover of the beatles (yeah, you got that something, i think you'll understand.)
  3. can't take my eyes off of you -- lauryn hill (the sight of you makes me weak. there are no words left to speak.)
  4. things i'll never say -- avril lavigne (i wanna blow you away. be with you every night.)
  5. all i want -- jay brannan, cover of joni mitchell (do you wanna dance with me, baby? wanna take a chance of maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby?)
  6. change the world -- eric clapton (you would think my love was really something good, baby, if i could change the world.)
  7. tell me -- boston (i don't really know what to say. i don't know how, but i could learn to pray if praying makes you hear me.) 
  8. somebody to love -- queen (can anybody find me somebody to love?)
  9. my heart with you -- the rescues (you're etched upon my mind.)
  10. this bouquet -- ani difranco (we both have gardens of songs, and maybe it's okay that i'm speechless because i picked you this bouquet.)
this is my unrequited love playlist. yes, yes i know that it is slightly pathetic. by slightly, i mean undoubtedly. it isn't directed at any particular individual. just the world, in general. but. these are currently the songs that...speak to me? describe me? the girl who can't get up the courage to say something to...anyone. who admires from afar and hopes and dreams but never does anything about it. and then does a little fantasizing. and it's great. and then is reminded of the fact that she's alone. and then goes back to admiring silently. such is my life.

but, it's okay. it isn't a terrible life. i am capable of loving another human being. it could be worse. :)

bye for now.

29 May 2012

i need you, baby.

once upon a time, there lived a person with an addictive personality. she was reincarnated into my body.

i have an addictive personality. i've had problems with addiction to...some things we won't get into.

now, i'm going to admit that i have never consumed alcohol. okay...one swig of a roommate's raspberry smirnoff ice. once.

i've also never smoked. anything.

instead, i drink virgin daquiris and inhale smoke secondhand while hanging with drunkards and smokers. well, i used to. now i just hang out with my family. they drink dr. pepper and don't smoke anything.

and, chances are that i never will. probably a good thing, considering that smoking causes cancer and other things, while drinking causes liver failure and other things. having an addictive personality, i can't risk just trying it once. i can't drink socially, because i'm most likely a raging alcoholic. i can't smoke to ease my anxiety, because i'm a chain smoker in the making.

and addiction runs in my family. the family members i am close to look very put together, but have sublimated their addictive tendencies into religious fervor. that and oxycontin.

anyway. i'm sitting here. drinking my version of a tequila sunrise. (orange juice, grenadine, with ginger ale instead of alcohol, and a twist of lime.) thinking about how strange it is, to want so desperately to try things that are harmful.

but sitting on a yacht, mango mojito in hand, sure does sound delightful.

bye for now.