17 September 2012

all the torment and the pain.

if you've ever struggled with depression, you know that the bad times come in bouts. and i think i'm sinking into one of those bouts, at the moment.

i'm so confused.

i had everything figured out, not too long ago. my life had direction. i had a little bit of confidence, for the first time in my existence. i had balance.

that was a short-lived experience, and now i feel so, so lost. i'm second-guessing everything. it's becoming more and more difficult for me to appear as a normal person around other people. any shard of self-confidence i had before has been obliterated. and i'm slipping back into my old habits of fixating on things. no more balance.

and i feel so, so alone.

i have the privilege of being surrounded by some wonderful people. but there are some things you cannot bring yourself to say out loud. so, instead, it festers inside your brain. and, in effect, sequesters you from the people with whom you interact. i share experiences with the people around me, but i'm simultaneously experiencing a completely separate reality. one i cannot share with others.

does anyone notice? when i'm with people, can they tell that i'm not completely with them? that part of me is still stuck inside my brain, trapped in a very dark and very scary place? do people care?

i don't know how to deal with any of this.

i don't know what to do.


bye for now.