07 November 2012

vivez.

7 nov 2012:

today, i am thankful for a great many things.

today would be my father's 49th birthday. my dad died of a stroke, due to complications from surgery on a malignant brain tumor. he died twelve years, one month, a week, and five days ago. it's weird, celebrating -- or commemorating -- the birthday of someone who has died. we don't do anything crazy. my dad's parents went out to lunch with my dad's brother. i called and talked to my mother.

i live in the basement of my dad's parents' house. it used to be his grandparents house, until they died. technically, i think his brother is the one who owns the place. anyway. family home.

today, i woke up to the sounds of my grandfather playing the piano. we all play the piano, in my family. i play like my mother. i sight-read. i accompany. my grandpa plays like my dad did. he plays by ear. improvises. this morning's tune? lean on me tomorrow somewhere over the rainbow. mhm. from memory. it was beautiful.

i am thankful for my family. for music. for place.

i am thankful for fear that has controlled much of my life. not fear of death. death doesn't scare me. causing other people pain. that scares me. and i am thankful, in a strange sort of way, for that fear. because there are days where that is the only thing keeping me here.

but, today is not one of those days.

today i am grateful for life.

bye for now.

06 November 2012

love in a family dose.

6 nov 2012:

today, i am grateful for my soul-sisters. i don't have sisters, as i've stated in previous posts. i have three younger brothers whom i love with all my heart, and i am indeed grateful for all of them, and do not wish that any of them had been sisters instead of brothers. moreover, i've really liked being the only girl in the family. however, i do have a few cousins who are the closest i've gotten to having sisters. they have been with me through all the shit that has happened in my life, be it abusive relationships or mental breakdowns or pity parties or identity crises. and they've been with me through all the good, as well. each of our lifestyles is very different from the others', and it's doubtful that we would ever have become friends had we met in some other way, and not been born into the same extended family. but we're tight-knit.

for awhile, i was unsure whether or not we'd still be close, if i were to come out as bisexual, or agnostic, or what have you. much of our closeness was built around growing up in the lds faith, and also around boy trouble. but, today, i learned that they will stand by my side and support me in whatever i believe, wherever i go, whomever i'm with, always...as long as i am happy.

years of abuse have sort of tainted my ability to comprehend that. i don't know what it means to have people be there for you without any provisos. well...i didn't. it has only been within the past ten months that i have been able to begin the process of coming to terms with that. and my soul-sisters have played a huge role in that process.

so. to my lovely soul-sisters: if you're reading this, know that i love you dearly. i am so happy to have you in my life, and am excited to see how our lives play out.

love always.

bye for now.

05 November 2012

home will be where the heart is.

5 nov 2012:

i am grateful for home. i've moved like nine times in the past three-ish years. i have a LOT of crap, and each move is difficult. i never fully unpack, because i'm not sure how long i'll be staying. i've lived out of boxes and bags, mostly, since i graduated from high school. right now, i'm taking a break from unpacking. i'm in a new(ish) place, and i'm trying to find a place for everything to belong. but, there are little things that transform wherever i am into 'home,' so to speak.

i'm sort of like linus, from peanuts. i have a blanket that goes with me everyplace. okay, not everyplace. just every place where i plan on sleeping. and no matter where i move, if i can fall asleep on the bed (or couch, or floor) while curled beneath my blanket, i am okay.

i have an audrey hepburn obsession. and wherever i am, i have to put up pictures of the classiest human being to ever walk the earth. and her face brings me comfort. :) creepy? perhaps. i'm over it.

i'm learning more and more that home is a concept. a state of mind, that comes about from a feeling of security. and as i learn to be more secure with myself, home goes with me wherever i go. i love that.

bye for now.

04 November 2012

more than words.

it has only been within the past six months or so that i have been free of toxic relationships. (my relationships with my family members are slightly dysfunctional, yes, but not toxic.) i have spent most of my life bouncing from one unhealthy situation to the next, cognizant of the abuse i experienced but having been convinced i was powerless to stop it. even convinced that i deserved it.

yeah. i know. pretty messed up.

needless to say, i haven't had a whole lot of functional relationships. not with human beings. very few with structures. i developed addictions and coping mechanisms that were almost as damaging to my mind, and sometimes my body, as the abuse i experienced.

but there was language.

i sought solace in words. whether i read the words of poets and novelists and essayists and playwrights and screenwriters, or listened to the words of lyricists and songwriters, or wrote words of my own...i found an escape, and then a catharsis, in language.

4 nov 2012:

i am grateful for language.

i am grateful for the outlet that language provides me. for the opportunities afforded me to share my ideas with others via the written and spoken word. for the strength i have found within the words of others. for the situation in which i find myself, where i spend my time devoted to studying language.

i recognize that i, at times, write about off-the-wall things (kink post? what the hell was that about?) or that my posts are sometimes disjointed, or that i'm writing here more for the sake of my own sanity than for your enjoyment or displeasure. normally i would apologize for that. but i won't.

i am grateful for this space, where i am able to share the mess inside my head.

bye for now.